Lindsay Kolasa

In our culture, where pornography wields a mighty $13 billion each year (and climbing), none of us are separate from the impact it is having on sexuality and intimacy.  Is it surprising that the largest consumer of internet porn are male tweens, commonly seeing their first hard porn on the internet by the ripe age of 9?  Already studies have shown that internet porn is like the hardest of drugs, setting up young men for a life-long addiction based solely on chemical-responses.  As well, it’s a habit that is as hard to kick.

On addiction: note that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is connection. And, in terms of our sexuality and the ability to build intimacy, this is paramount to understand. Recently, scientists at Cambridge University recently studied the brain scans of porn addicts and found that they looked exactly like those of drug addicts. So, this is no mild addiction.

With the ever-increasing violence of pornography and the level of addiction that is possible, shouldn’t we be paying more attention?  What is at stake…is our ability to relate…our ability to become intimate with another…and our ability to feel natural urges and be in relationship with another.  What is at stake is everything that makes us human, really.

This makes me wonder, WHERE ARE the adult men giving these young men advice and direction on how to treat their own bodies and the bodies of others? Or are they all lost as well? I know you are out there (I have met some of you amazing men)!

And sisters, can we not elevate each other up so that we don’t have to put our bodies on the line? I know we can be there for each others’ healing ~ we absolutely must!

Is nothing sacred anymore?

It is not hard to realize that America is a misogynistic culture.  However, there are young men who absolutely have never heard of the word misogyny.  It’s almost like not learning the word racism at any point in one’s education.  That only reveals a HUGE blind spot in how men and women are raised as well as the lack of context they are taught.

Let me digress and say that I am a sex-positive person. I think sexuality is simply beautiful and powerful => that means it needs to be treated with the utmost respect.

I am sensual-positive person as well. Sexuality is different from sensuality, however they have been largely conflated in our over-sexualized culture (oddly enough, due to sexual suppression).

As well, intimacy does not mean sex and sex does not mean intimacy. You can have a very intimate relationship where there is no sex. As well, you can have a very sexual relationship where there is no intimacy.

The American culture has largely decided to go down the wormhole of plenty of sex but no intimacy. I can take this one notch further. Then there is plenty of sexual content, but no sex, and no intimacy => which is the most isolating thing of all.

This is where pornography comes in.

There is hardly a separation between child sexual abuse, pornography, sex trafficking, and prostitution. I speak to some of this from experience, so don’t challenge me because you’ll be speaking empty words.

Now, I’m not writing this to shame anyone. It’s not about guilt either. We’ve all watched or see some kind of porn by now.  There’s a natural sense of curiosity around the topic of sexuality in a culture that a) doesn’t know how to talk about it and b) has a history of puritanical suppression of all things dealing with the human body.

I’m writing this because it’s about taking our lives back from a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s about taking our sexuality back. It’s about taking our relationships back.

I really want people to pay attention to this topic because the future of young boys and girls is at stake. How do we expect them to become intimate and to steward healthy selves and relationships if there is a silent epidemic going on with pornography (that is almost not even being discussed)?

And yes, PORN KILLS LOVE.

What you can do to educate yourself:

First of all, know that you are not alone.  It’s an epidemic.  And, we all are touched by this.  Pornography has caused a lot of suffering.  And, just because it is everywhere, doesn’t mean its what we need.

Watch anything by Gail Dines to get up to speed with what young men (and adult) struggle with in terms of porn. Here is a link to her book: “Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked our Sexuality”.

Like the page Fight the New Drug to keep tabs on the latest research on how porn affects negatively affects the brain and relationships.

Watch this TED talk ~ Why I Stopped Watching Porn

Watch this other TED talk ~ The Great Porn Experiment

For those who would like to join a community of men intent on recovering from porn addiction, check out this link by Your Brain on Porn.

Read this GQ article on 10 Reasons Why You Should Stop Watching Porn